31 Dec 2013

Finding Myself

Finding myself was never a priority before. Having found you, it seemed like an unnecessary burden to keep digging for an identity which I knew you would help me find in your own time. I expected you to hold on to me and match your footsteps against mine as I gingerly moved forward into the dark abyss of my mind and of this world in order to determine all the possible faces of 'I'. Your presence was the warmth of a home which I carried everywhere my journey took me and never before was I more confident of finally putting the pieces of my puzzle back together.

And then, in a blink of an eye, you were no more. The lonely set of footprints on the ground carried the pitiful message that I would need to sustain and move on, on my own. The terror and the suffocation and the crippling despair of having to put on a brave face to every thorn in the world and then letting out a feeble cry or two to the void behind me, seemed to stretch on till infinity. If ever I felt close to finding myself, this was definitely not one of those times. But the storm has passed and I have survived; no one has been able to explain exactly how I managed to do that.

Although I feel obligated to hate you, I still admire you. But then, I always did admire you for reasons way too many to mention. And looking at you having 'figured it all out' and practically parting the water of the sea with every step you take forward, is something not to let go unnoticed. I do not want to match up to your Moses-persona but I definitely envy the illumination that lights up your path even during the worst scenarios you are put into.

That is when finding myself becomes a priority, I guess, and I finally learn that this one journey is to be made all alone. Maybe your dissatisfaction at my callous attitude is imaginary and maybe it is pretty real, especially when conveyed on the shoulders of hurtful - yet said in good faith - messages.

For a while, I did believe that finding you was enough, probably more. But it was you who made me realize the need to go beyond every external locus and create a foothold within myself in the form of an awareness of who I am, a knowledge so powerful and yet, so rare and unused.

In a world of people struggling to secure a living, I am trying to secure a life. The whole idea is quite intimidating, I admit, and extremely idealistic. But there is only so much you can do in this weather - lofty thoughts and irrelevant rants from under the many layers of blankets. And please, feel free to blame the grouchy attitude to an upset stomach which has lately, taken up to audible protests against all genres of food.

P.S. - See you in 2014! I hope the year brings better days and better digestion to one and all. :)

4 comments:

  1. Hmm...and I pray too that 2014 gives u everything you wish for.

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  2. Am delightful to have come across this blog. After years of pondering about the surrounding with myself, here you are, climbing through the cracks with the support of writing, expressing your fruitful thoughts. Sorry to bring this up but back in 2012, you voiced out your opinion on misanthropy. Mind to share, do you still have that side of you?

    Regards,
    AZ

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hey Anonymous,

      Welcome back. And yes, I do remember that post. Unfortunately or otherwise, I still maintain quite a misanthropic attitude for the general public. But over time, I think I know the reason why I am so - 5 parts hesitation, 10 parts inappropriate humour, 10 parts bad mood, 40 parts awkward social behavior, 35 parts having encountered too many duds in all my social ventures. :P

      Delete

Unless my thoughts fickle turned your brain into pickle, I'd love to hear if my words found your funny bone to tickle.

Or sparked a chain of thoughts. Even if they did not, do stop by and say "Hi!". That would mean a lot.